This is how it feels.
In October 2008...
I met a guy on accident. He was not someone I saw myself with, although because he was the first boy who took interest in me I fantasized that it would work. This did not work. At the time I was innocent. There was no rush for sex in my eyes and I spent night after night waiting for my first kiss. My first kiss was done in front of his best friend. Clearly not my vision I had daydreamed of in class. This was not even lust. This was wrong. We broke up after I found out he was addicted to drugs... and cheating.
I met my second boyfriend through a friend. This time it was different. We went to movies together and out to dinner. On our first date he played the claw machine until he won me a stuffed animal, spending all the cash he had in his wallet. Even though we lived 30 miles apart and only saw each other a few times, we made it work while it lasted. However, no matter how sweet this guy was to me, this was again not love. This time it was lust.
One night, while crying over this boy I decided it was best to take my mind off him for awhile and go to the mall. I was very upset I could not see him, even though we deeply cared for one another. I was dropped at the mall and met up with my best friend. Not expecting to do much but spend the paycheck I had made the week before. However...
After passing Barnes and Noble, I ordered some drink from Starbucks. That is when I noticed this boy. He wasn't much but I knew he was gay and in that small town he was all I had. I did not pursue him, letting him go. For the first time a boy chased after me. It turned out my friend had gone to school with this boy and while at the food court he approached us and gave me his number. I put the number in my phone but neglected to text him. After a few weeks I decided to text him. This turned out to be my first official date with a guy. We both lived in the same town but on the complete opposite side. Fate had more than a first date because shortly after the date my parents moved, leaving me to move in with a friend, bringing me blocks from this guy. We managed 6 insane months, which were also my last 6 months of High school. High school ended and I moved back in with my parents. I slowly drifted from the guy, even though the time spent together made it difficult to part. We fought constantly and the break-up was my most dramatic to date.
While living with my parents the month after Graduation I met a guy by chance walking the small town I was living in. We exchanged numbers and decided to meet up a few days later. Sharing many interests, I felt closest to this guy. Although he was also by far the most unattractive guy I had dated. My first time cheating was with him. It was the best rush I had ever had, even though the cheating turned into nothing more than a one night stand. It was pathetic in the end and helped my decision to leave Michigan.
Once in South Carolina I started fresh. My story really begins here, but ultimately has resulted in not much more than hook-ups and relationships I kept alive on my own. I have had a sugar daddy since moving here who I deceived into making him believe I loved him, even though we never had sex or any sexual relations. I have used, cheated, whored myself for cash and so much more that has defined my life as of now. I have been through the good and the bad and have not stopped searching for the right one. Today, I am feeling more complete than ever, dating a guy I have been w/ for 14 months. I feel loved and all of the things I have wanted to feel all my life, however I put up walls for months. It's a terrifying feeling... Being in love.
I would have to say that dating is a learning experience. You will meet so many worthless people. You will cry, feel defenseless and turn into someone you never imagined yourself to be. It's a hard journey...
To break all the hearts.
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